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Beginner's Circle
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bsgetz
02-28-2008, 3:25 PM
Making a baby!
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you' ll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Re: more jokes
bsgetz
02-28-2008, 3:28 PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
>>
>>AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
>>
>>AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
>>
>>
>>THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
>>
>>AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
>>
>>TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
>>
>>THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'
Re: more jokes
bsgetz
02-28-2008, 3:31 PM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to
all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of
it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to
chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell
me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the Park a few months ago and I found
this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
If you don't send this to five GOOD friends right
away there will be five fewer people smiling in the
world.